@carpetsalesrep
by Brenta blevins
Illustration by Rebecca Coulthart
The Metamorphosis by Rebecca Coulthart
carpetsalesrep Greg
It's Grete, one last time. Greg's eulogy in 140 characters: Beloved son, brother, employee. Tombstones = obituary tweets.
10 minutes ago

carpetsalesrep Greg
I'm gonna stop using Greg's account. I'm now @Grete_Violinist if you want to follow me. I'm also on eHarmony, if you're looking.
45 minutes ago

carpetsalesrep Greg
@rugs_fan Thanks. In the end, it's a relief for everyone. My job at the store kept me from him at the end.
1 hour ago

carpetsalesrep Greg
We did everything humanly possible for him. Maybe he needed help other than human.
1 hour ago

carpetsalesrep Greg
@fibers_buff Yeah, a pet cemetery might work.
 2 hours ago

carpetsalesrep Greg
The coffin situation will be awkward. I guess we'll have to find a sensitive funeral home. Very sensitive.
2 hours ago

carpetsalesrep Greg
Hi, this is Greg's sister. I wanted to let Greg's followers know he died yesterday. He'd been ill a while.
2 hours ago

carpetsalesrep Greg
Grete took a job in a store. I hope she still remembers to recharge my phone. I can't plug it in anymore. Twitter helps me cope.
1 Sep

carpetsalesrep Greg
It's harder and harder to tweet. I have to jump up and down on the keys. I guess I don't weigh enough now.
24 Aug

carpetsalesrep Greg
Can't sleep. Had a nightmare that the LOLCats were chasing me.
21 Aug

carpetsalesrep Greg
My parents finally learned to use Craigslist (!!) to rent out the apartment to replace my income. The renters saw me and complained, tho.
10 Aug

carpetsalesrep Greg
Not sure what to tweet anymore. I don't do much but look out the window (raining), crawl the ceiling (dirty), and tweet.
18 Aug

carpetsalesrep Greg
I'm shrinking! It used to be hard to get through the door. Not now! If I could sell my weight loss secret, Americans would make me RICH!
13 Aug

carpetsalesrep Greg
@fibers_buff It's okay. I hated traveling anyway. Work NEVER gave me any comp for travel time.
9 Aug

carpetsalesrep Greg
No, I don't think terrorists gave me this. Why target me? Flooring warfare? Doubt it.
9 Aug

carpetsalesrep Greg
@rugs_fan Yeah, they'd think I was a terrorist.
9 Aug

carpetsalesrep Greg
TSA would never let me travel this way.
9 Aug

carpetsalesrep Greg
On the internet, no one knows you're a bug.
6 Aug

carpetsalesrep Greg
My sister thinks she could dip me in paint and I could create bug art and sell it on eBay. Would you buy?
26 Jul

carpetsalesrep Greg
I spent all day looking at UC Davis's Entomology pages. You should have seen the antennae! Check out the feelers! Total bug pr0n.
16 Jul

carpetsalesrep Greg
Here's something to make you feel better about your family: I just got stomped at by my parents. HOL! (Hissing Out Loud)!
13 Jul

carpetsalesrep Greg
@rugs_fan Some prey on roaches! I always thought people in sales were supposed to be top predators!
 10 Jul

carpetsalesrep Greg
I just got a new follower: a wasp. Should I be scared?
10 Jun

carpetsalesrep Greg
Don't you think they should let me work at home this way? I'm so fired. #jobfail
8 Jun

carpetsalesrep Greg
Think LOLROACH would catch on?
8 Jun

carpetsalesrep Greg
I surfed the net, hoping the Swedes had invented easily assembled specialty furniture. But no. Ikea has nothing for Bugs of Unusual Size.
8 Jun

carpetsalesrep Greg
Been lying under the couch lately. Don't know why. Just feel like it.
5 Jun

carpetsalesrep Greg
I'll never get a date now.
3 Jun

carpetsalesrep Greg
I tried watching TV, but an Orkin commercial freaked me out. It's not like I can run very fast. Roach motels? Terrifying.
 31 May

carpetsalesrep Greg
Would anybody believe me if I tried for disability assistance? I don't match my driver's license anymore.
22 May

carpetsalesrep Greg
It's great to Tweet with you. My parents can't understand me anymore. Guess I can't speak clearly. I feel kind of cut off.
 18 May

carpetsalesrep Greg
Want to know what I had for breakfast? No, I didn't think you wanted me to tweet that. It wasn't Cheerios. NOMMY.
15 May

carpetsalesrep Greg
Or Viagra. I'm not even sure how that'd work for me. I still get spam for it.
 12 May

carpetsalesrep Greg
Look at my spam. Don't they realize I don't worry about Rogaine anymore?
12 May

carpetsalesrep Greg
Could have been a virus I was exposed to from all the travel. The gossipy office workers NEVER catch traveler's health woes.
 10 May

carpetsalesrep Greg
Maybe it was all the chemicals in the rugs.
10 May

carpetsalesrep Greg
A woman on my last sales call said, "Quit bugging me." Could it have been a curse?
10 May

carpetsalesrep Greg
Maybe I'll start a bug awareness group.
 8 May

carpetsalesrep Greg
Ever think about entomological-related insults? "Bugging me?" "Bugging out?" "Bug off?" Harsh.
8 May

carpetsalesrep Greg
I thought the excuse for not coming into work because I was a bug was totally made of Win. But no. #jobfail
 5 May

carpetsalesrep Greg
Talk about a nightmare. I think I'm a bug. Not a computer bug. A bug, bug. Check out my twitpic.
 4 May

carpetsalesrep Greg
I've tried Googling, but nothing matches my symptoms. Hand-foot-and-mouth disease? Ringworm? Scabies?
 3 May

carpetsalesrep Greg
Woah!!11! You're never going to believe this. I've caught some virus. More correctly, I've caught some bug.
 3 May

carpetsalesrep Greg
I know I'm late. I'll be leaving soon.
 2 May

carpetsalesrep Greg
Having trouble typing on my phone for some reason.
 2 May

carpetsalesrep Greg
Foggy. The weather and my brain.
 2 May

carpetsalesrep Greg
I CANNOT get up. SRSLY.
2 May

carpetsalesrep Greg
Worst case of the Mondays EVAH!
 2 May

carpetsalesrep Greg
Bad dreams this morning. It's rainy. Having trouble getting up. Late for work. Must be Monday. I hope this is all just a bad dream.
 2 May
antant
@carpetsalesrep © 2011 Brenta Blevins
The Metamorphosis ©Rebecca Coulthart